I Hate Normal People

So there I was...


...cruising around the ghetto looking for drunk drivers.  My new job is 
awesome, and I still get giddy anytime anyone asks for a DUI unit.  My new 
job also takes me everywhere in the city, too.  I'm assigned to one 
division, but they use me everywhere.


So, I got sent all the way up to Nice People Land, what we call the Falcon 
Division.  It's on the city's northwest side, where most people would love 
to live but I could never stand to work there.


So anyway, a drunk lady had tried to do a U-turn and got stuck on an 
embankment.  This was on a remote gravel road (yes, a gravel road in the 
middle of the city...I had to use the map to find it) near UCCS.  So when I 
got there, I realized the accident had not only happened on a gravel road, 
but on a steep hill, as well.


Now, can anyone see a problem with making her do roadside maneuvers on a 
gravel hill????  I don't think it takes a genius to figure out I'd never be 
able to defend it in court -- the premise behind roadside maneuvers is that 
any normal sober person could do them just fine, but drunk people cannot.


Easy solution:  I walked her fifty feet away to a paved driveway that was 
also perfectly level.  Problem solved, right?


Apparently not, when the homeowner (a "normal" person who lived in Nice 
People Land) came outside at 0300 to raise cain about how the cops "can't do 
that right here on [her] driveway."  She interfered with my HGN test, and I 
simply ignored her and instructed my subject to do the same.


Ms. Normal Lady stormed over to the other officers who were busy dealing 
with the tow truck driver.  She complained to them how embarrassing it was 
for her to "have all this happening" in front of her house -- like we CHOSE 
the location for a drunk driver to run off the road.  Besides, her nearest 
neighbors were 1/8 mile away and her house was completely enclosed by trees. 
  It was also 3 am...exactly who was seeing this that she should be 
embarrassed???  They pretty much informed her of that, although I noticed 
they used language expected of cops who work in Nice People Land.  Down in 
Gangbanger Land where I work it would have been a much shorter conversation 
(it would have gone something like, "Ma'am, go back inside or you'll be 
arrested for obstructing").  They were much more diplomatic.


Ms. Normal Lady stormed back inside and came out with a camera.  She started 
shooting photos like a determined paparazzi.  Seriously lady it's 3 am, 
DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO, LIKE SLEEP????  I didn't stop her from 
taking pictures; this is America and she had a right to take pictures of 
whatever she wanted.  I just found it to be a severe waste of film, time, 
and effort.  But it was her film, time, and effort, so let her waste them.


I found out later she called in to complain about my "unlawful seizure of 
property" -- i.e. using her driveway.  Of course, had I knocked on her door 
at 3 am to ask permission, she would have complained about me knocking on 
her door at 3 am.  Guess where that complaint went?  Yep, you're right.  It 
never even got written down.  I don't know the exact words in the 
conversation between her and the desk sergeant, but I'll bet it went 
something like this:  "They did what?  Roadsides on a DUI in your driveway?  
No, lady, there's nothing wrong with that.  Now go to bed."  *Click*


So I ended up arresting my DUI driver, but here are a few important lessons 
for all my loyal readers:


1)  We do not PLAN traffic accidents to inconvenience you.  They happen 
because someone was driving with their head inserted in their rectum.  That 
means when I make you detour it's someone else's fault, not mine.  Don't 
throw your hands up in disgust or tell me how you're going to file a 
complaint because I made you drive a different way home (seriously, I'm not 
superman.  I can't move two demolished cars all by myself just so you can 
drive through).  There is more than one way to get to your house, and if you 
have someone to be angry with it's the person who caused the accident.  I'm 
just there to clean up the mess someone else caused.  This one had 
absolutely nothing to do with my story above, but it's the first thing that 
comes to mind whenever I talk about traffic accidents.  Seriously, if I 
didn't have to direct traffic around accidents, I'd be writing a ticket to 
about 1/3 of the drivers on the road.


2)  Do NOT interfere with a police investigation.  If I wasn't so 
constrained on time (I have a specific time limit to get a blood or breath 
test after the accident; if I miss the time limit, the results are 
invalidated) I would have charged Ms. Normal Lady with obstructing.  As it 
was I had seven minutes to spare on my blood test, which is longer than it 
would have taken to deal with Ms. Normal Lady.  The DUI is more important 
than giving someone an idiot ticket, but if I lose that DUI because the 
defense argues she was distracted by Ms. Normal Lady, I'll probably change 
my mind.


3)  The police do NOT need your permission to be on your property outside of 
the residence, providing we have a legitimate reason to be there.  If I'm 
chasing a serial killer through your back yard, I'm not going to knock and 
ask if it's ok -- I'm just going to chase.  I'm also going to use your 
driveway for roadside maneuvers (think of it as "chasing" a drunk driver) if 
it's the most reasonable place to do it.  If I stop you after a few drinks 
would you like me to make you do roadsides on a gravel hill?  I didn't think 
so.


4)  Filing a complaint or threatening to is NOT the be-all-end-all solution 
to getting cops to do what you want.  In my entire career thus far I've had 
that threat made to me about 3000 times, and thus far not a single complaint 
has been ruled against me.  Why?  Because I'm not doing anything wrong.  I 
know, sometimes cops mess up and crooked cops do exist.  But I'm not one of 
them, and if your head wasn't so far up your rectum you'd see that.  
Sometimes you're the problem I'm paid to protect everyone else against.  So 
stop doing whatever it was that caught my attention instead of threatening 
to do something that won't bother me anyway.