My REAL Triumphant Return

So there I was...

...coming off that nasty illness that just happened to ride in on the coat tails of
my injury.  I was super-anxious to actually catch a bad guy.  In fact, I think you
could say I was having withdrawals.

I went into work all smurfed up and ready to take names.  The only problem was that
this was the same day the shooting happened at New Life Church.  Just about every
cop in the city had been called in early, and the vast majority of them were at the
church.  Think about it:  Even though the suspect was dead, it was still a homicide
investigation.  ALL of the witnesses (what, 4000 or so?) had to be interviewed.  In
fact, as I write they're still doing that.

So, for those of us on the street we were told they would only be dispatching
priority 1 calls.  In addition, even though I'm a DUI specialist they were told to
use me as a regular patrol car.  The unwritten / unspoken message I got was, "Don't
get into anything. We just don't have enough people out there right now."  So I laid
low.  

I made one DUI arrest, though.  It felt great to get back into it.  The guy was a
jerk but  I've been busy reading books on how to deal with people like
that...kicking their butts may be justified but it's really getting old.  I guess
some of the things in those books actually work, because I don't have a story about
that guy.  So let's move on to the next guy, shall we?

About 0415 a bunch of officers were dispatched to the Denny's regarding a
kidnapping.  The caller said that a male assaulted a female wearing pink, then
forced her into a white Ford Crown Victoria with no license plates.  She said they
headed southbound on Academy Blvd. from the Denny's.  

I heard the officers on the call radio their positions so they could coordinate a
search effort.  I realized no one was covering an eastbound escape route, and I just
happened to be at Powers Blvd. / Airport Rd. - the main artery for an eastbound
escape route from that location.  

Sure enough, as I drove down Airport Rd. I saw a white Ford Crown Vic with no plates
approach me from the other direction - exactly where the suspect vehicle would be
coming from.  Ok, it was 0415 in the morning, and the roads are snow packed.
Because of that there was almost no traffic on the roads.  The vehicle matched the
suspect description exactly (which is rare because witnesses rarely get details
right), and was in the proximity of the crime within minutes of it occurring.  

Let's do a science experiment, shall we?  Combine all those facts together, mix
well, and what do you think we have?  THE BAD GUY! 

He turned south on Murray Blvd. and right into the Apollo Village Apartment complex.
It was obvious he was trying to ditch me, so I hit the bubblegums to pull him over.
He started eluding me through the icy parking lot, so I radioed the pursuit in and
hit the sirens.  

Yes, our pursuit policy is very restrictive.  However, when you believe you're
following a kidnapper with the victim in the car you chase them, icy conditions
notwithstanding.  Yes, our chances of an accident are greatly increased but we have
to be willing to take that risk.  Studies show that kidnapping victims who are moved
by their attacker have less than 1% chance of surviving.  So, I chased.  

We ice skated all around the parking lot, nearly colliding with several parked cars.
I wish I could have watched it from above - it must have looked like Happy Gilmore
ice skating.  He went around to the back side of the complex and I chased him with
my lights and sirens waking up the whole complex.  Just as he turned a corner, I
lost traction on the ice and couldn't move the car for about three seconds.  I lost
sight of the car for four or five seconds, but then regained sight of it just as it
came to a stop not fifty feet from me (he had doubled back, probably unaware that I
was stuck).  

I jumped out and saw a woman wearing pink (remember the victim's description?)
running away from the car.  I also saw one man next to the driver's side of the car.
I jumped out and pulled my handgun on him.  I ordered him to the ground, but he
refused.  This genius started yelling, "Fuck you, I don't have to do anything!  I'm
not even the driver!"

Mr. Genius then started advancing on me with his hands raised.  Let's think about
this for a second:  A lawful authority points a gun at you, tells you to do
something, and you, being unarmed, decide to take the fight to him?  How brilliant
is that???

The last thing I wanted to do, though, was get into a wrestling match over my gun.
In fact, I recalled telling Diane before I went on shift that I wasn't going to
carry my back-up gun that night because of all the snow.  I didn't want to ruin it
by running through the snow (I carry it on my ankle).  So, the one in my hand was
the only one I had in the game.  By the way, I'm just going to carry the back-up
everyday now, regardless of snow.  I'll buy a new gun if I need to.

Anyway, when Mr. Genius got to within arm's reach of me, still cursing and still
refusing to get on the ground, I pulled my handgun back into a one-handed
"retention" hold and bitchslapped him with my free hand.  No, that's no typo, I
bitchslapped him right across the eyes.  They actually teach that in our in-service
training now.  The idea is not to deliver a knockout blow, but to change his focus -
i.e. cause a distraction that allows you to follow up with a knockout blow or
whatever you need to do.

It worked marvelously.  Seriously, I think I'm going to make the bitchslap my
trademark maneuver.  He closed his eyes, covered them with his hands, and
backpedaled about four steps.  That allowed me to holster (and secure) my handgun
before I went hands-on again to take him down.  Before he even opened his eyes he
started to go to the ground.  I had anticipated forcibly taking him down, but
apparently a little bitchslap took the fight out of him.  Like most gangbangers
(this guy was a Neighborhood Blood), he was only tough if his opponent was weaker
than him, like a 95 pound girl wearing pink.

I handcuffed him, and just as the cavalry arrived he tried to get up again.  Well,
don't do that.  I slammed him back down to the ground with my body weight and held
him there.

Ok, let's skip some of the boring part.  Some other cops found the woman hiding
under a set of stairs.  She claimed the guy I had arrested had been in the car, but
was not the driver, nor was he the person she had been fighting with.  Then she
claimed to have gotten into the car on her own accord.

What it boils down to is this:  They were a couple and having a domestic dispute, so
they lied to keep him out of the pokey.  Because I had never seen him behind the
wheel I couldn't contest their statements, so I couldn't charge him with the
kidnapping OR the vehicular eluding.  I charged him for fighting with me though, and
I got to bitchslap him :)

DOOM ON YOU, DIRTBAG!





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