So there I was...

 

...another officer was on a stop and asked for a DUI enforcement officer.  Of course
I was dispatched, or I wouldn't be telling you this story.

 

When I arrived, I always have the officer give me the blurb -- what happened to make
him stop the guy, what indicators of impairment he detected before calling me, any
statements the driver has made, etc.  It helps me solidify the case and reassures me
the probable cause for the stop was valid.

 

The officer said he didn't stop the guy.  He rolled up and the car was stalled in
the roadway.  The probable cause is always good on those "motorist assists" where we
discover the driver is drunk because we are expected to check on stranded motorists.
Anyway, the officer continued with the story:  The car was out of gas and the driver
was standing next to it pouring gas in.

 

Oh crap, that's a problem.  No one had seen the driver behind the wheel for one, and
secondly the car was unable to move.  We could not establish the driver was in
"actual physical control" -- meaning we couldn't prove he had the ability to place
the car in motion with little effort.  

 

So, even though it's OBVIOUS to the world the suspect had driven the car there, ran
out of gas, gone to get more gas, and come back, we couldn't prove it.  There simply
was no case.  

 

I did a records check of the suspect's license and found it was revoked (yeah, you
guessed it, revoked for DUI).  Well that was good news, at least.  The guy was
visibly drunk and his license was revoked.  Do you think I was going to let him
drive away?  Try explaining that to a judge or jury when he goes down the road and
kills somebody.

 

So the good news is those developments gave me a solid legal reason to impound his
car.  Anytime I get to impound a car, the U.S. Supreme Court says I have the legal
right to search it, too.  Yipeeeee....you all know I love catching bad guys, and
searching a suspect's property is the best way to do that.  In my opinion, however,
you have to be pretty conservative about searching people's private property -- play
your cards right and develop good probable cause under two or three legal theories
before you go sticking your grubbies in.  I see too many cops go tossing through
people's personal property for no good legal reason, and someday it's going to bite
them hard.  As much as I've warned them about it, I'm not going to feel sorry for
them when it does.

 

Anyway, I had a USSC ruling behind this theory, so search away.  This dirtbag was
driving a BMW SUV, so you'd think he'd have a little class.  Well, think again.  The
interior of that car smelled and looked like every freaking tweaker-mobile I've ever
seen.  Nasty, dirty, filthy, disgusting!!!  One look and the rubber gloves went on
before I started digging through the crap.

 

So I make my way through the crap, slowly, looking for signs of drug us (tweakers
seem to leave their empty baggies with residue everywhere...I can't figure out why,
but they do).  Nothing, just nasty filth all over.

 

I kept digging, and digging, and digging through the filth, hoping beyond hope for
the jackpot.  Well, I found it, but it sure as heck wasn't what I was looking for.
I got to the back seat and found a weird item buried beneath some newspapers and
fast food wrappers.  It was a long solid tube with a few flexible tubes coming out
of it.  "OOOOHHHH," I thought, "here's a big bong or something."  I picked it up --
wearing my rubber gloves of course -- and looked it over.  

 

It didn't resemble any bong or drug pipe I've ever seen, and I've seen thousands.
For the life of me, I couldn't figure this thing out.  I moved some of the other
fast food wrappers and found a few more tubes and a little ....uhhh....dunno what to
call it besides a " rubber THING."

 

The gears in my rusty brain slowly turned,  bile crept up my throat, and waves of
nausea swept over me as I began to realize what this contraption was:  I was holding
on to this weirdo's PENIS PUMP!!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

"Thank you Lord, for sending the person who invented rubber gloves into this world."  

 

A shiver crept up my spine as I tossed the abomination back into the car and walked
away.  On the inventory form for the impound lot I made sure to mark, "1 personal
sex toy."

 

DOOM ON ME!!!